Duty to my Heart
by An Apple Bleeds At Twilight
Summary: Kel is eight months pregnant and engaged to Dom. When she gets some shocking news, how will she balence the duty to New Hope and her heart? ONESHOT!


**Duty to my Heart**

_Seems ordinary, but quiet._

As Kel walked leisurely down the path to her headquarters of New Hope, a messenger handed Kel a letter, his head bowed, "From Lord Raoul, milady" the boy murmured.

Thanking the messenger, Kel handed him a coin for his efforts and thanked him. She turned and paused as she looked over her shoulder and saw the messenger hurry elsewhere.

Shrugging as she continued to headquarters, intent on going to her rooms to polish her blade, Griffin, she failed to miss the strange silence of the camp. Sure, it was a hot sunny day and the weather was good, but it shouldn't be _this_ quiet. It was eerie; as if the whole camp knew something she did not.

Opening the door to her rooms, Kel felt another wave of nausea nearly swamp her, but it quickly passed. Putting down the letter, deciding she would read it later, she pulled out the chair to her desk and glanced at the recent pile of reports that had been left there earlier that day. She sat down and picked up the first report, her mind focused, but still unable to concentrate.

She felt the baby kick and she smiled, it had been 8 months since Neal had told her that she was with child and she still felt odd that another life was taking shape beneath her navel. It had been an odd sense of pride that she had felt, and still could feel now.

The babe would make a fine warrior or knight someday…Kel could just sense it somehow.

_Unknowing and kept in the dark of the truth._

Finally curiosity got the better of her and she briefly glanced at the seal of the Third Company, shining bright crimson like blood in the late afternoon sunlight. Her hand paused over the letter, but finally picked it up and cracked the seal open. Kel opened the letter, which she supposed were more reports and just the normal running of the Third Company of the Own. She expected a lengthy report from Raoul but as her dreamy hazel eyes scanned the letter, she read news that she hoped would never come to be.

Kel stared at the letter from Lord Raoul a moment longer…this could not be true. She refused to believe it.

Unfeeling fingers dropped the letter to the desk and she clenched her fist, knuckles white, and dug her nails into her palm until it bled. But she was numb. Numb to the pain, numb to her heart's silent tears.

"No. No" she murmured, her knees giving way and she fell to the cold stone floor, the chair falling backward and landing with an echoing thump. Her eyes were burning from unshed tears as she struggled to calm herself.

"Be as stone," she whispered, struggling to regain her mask, when the dreaded image came to her mind once again. "Be as stone," she repeated.

Disbelief, and denial. 

She was eight months pregnant for gods' sake! Why had she not stopped him from leaving? Why?

Neal barged in the room when he had heard the chair fall thinking that Kel had collapsed, but his surprised look quickly changed to that of worry when he saw Kel, on her knees, head buried in her hands quietly sobbing.

This was not the Kel he knew. Not the brave Keladry who faced Blayce the Gallan, not the one who took the dangerous trek up Balor's Needle and faced her fears…this was just a shadow.

_Friendship, and Companionship._

Neal knelt next to Kel and put a hand on her shoulder, "Kel?"

Kel looked up, "Neal…" she murmured. "He's gone…" she whispered, her voice hoarse.

"I know. I received the news earlier today--"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kel suddenly demanded.

"I didn't want you getting worried, it would hurt the babe" Neal explained. "And you know," the healer continued, his voice softening, "This child's all you have left…"

Kel couldn't blame him for not telling her, but why had he not waited to tell her once the Third Company were safe in Corus. She could still travel and she was not confined to bed yet! She had every right to know sooner then she had. "I just wish…that we had at least said something more meaningful then just an ordinary goodbye"

"You wanted him to read you a sappy poem or something?" Neal smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood, but seeing as his comment had only pained his friend, he cleared his throat and harshly scolded himself for not at least growing up a bit. He sighed. "I know Kel…"

Kel shrugged off the hand on her shoulder and stood, eyes blank and face set in a stubborn frown. She stormed out of the room and ran down the halls, her heart heavy.

"Commanders are as rare as heroes…you've shown flashes of being a commander, Keladry. It is my job to see if you'll do more then just flash…"

Back in her squire years, back when she was just meeting him. She was a commander of a fort now, supposed to accept the fact that his death was out of his duty, and move on. She didn't feel proud for him or herself. Why should she?

Yes, he had died defending his country, but at what cost to her?

She at least said goodbye to him before he had left. And still had a part of him growing inside her. Their child.

And whatever the child was, boy or girl, he or she would know that they were not conceived out of wedlock. Kel couldn't stand knowing she had thrown her virginity away carelessly and to have the child affected by her and her lover's decision. As soon as Dom found out, 5 months earlier, he had just grinned at her and asked her hand in matrimony. She had accepted of course.

Kel glanced at the engagement ring on her finger. It had blue and copper stones cut into a gold band.

They were going to have the wedding soon on the 6th month but Dom had been continually called away, it was another month before she saw him again, and just as they were planning about the future and making preparations for the child, he had been called out with Raoul and for another month they stayed out. She had received few letters from him, but sent many. His last lines of his final letter were stuck in her head:

I hope to see you again, Kel, it hurts me to leave you with your condition but as sergeant I have a duty. If I ever had a choice I would choose, right now, to be with you instead of here at the Company's fort fighting off hopefully the last Scanran raiders. Remember Kel, I have a duty, but it is only to protect Tortall. My other duty is to my heart, to protect the Protector of the Small.

Look after yourself, Kel, I'll be returning home soon.

Love,

Dom

He said he was returning home soon. They were, as Raoul explained in the letter she had gotten that morning, ambushed in the night and the knight commander witnessed the sergeant's death himself: He had been cut down by arrows, six in total, two in his stomach, two in his chest and a final arrow to the throat silenced his war cry. Tomorrow never came for Domitan of Masbolle…

Raoul had also mentioned in the letter, for Kel's sake, that Dom's war cry sounded as if he were calling to her, calling her name…then the arrow silenced him for good.

Gods! Why was she being so selfish about his death? As if she was the only woman Dom had ever loved! She had a crush on Neal, and an affair with Cleon before Dom…why did this seem so difficult to accept?

She had felt heartbreak before, when Cleon told her about the marriage, so why was losing Dom so…different?

"Because he is—was—your husband-to-be" her mind told her.

Kel continued down the halls, her ears deaf to the sounds of people hurrying around, she stared blankly ahead, like a ghost. She felt as if she were watching herself from another's eyes.

Strength, Courage, and Cowardice 

She knew she was being a dolt and being foolish for not moving on. But the castle brought on many painful memories. Memories of squire hood, of friendship and love, the memories were like pouring salt on an open wound. They burned like fire. Not the fire of passion, but an out of control blaze of pain.

Kel quickly made her way to the stables. Peachblossom stuck his head out and snorted in welcome as Kel scratched his muzzle. Hoshi nodded at her presence and allowed the lady knight to rub her nose.

"I don't know what to do now," she murmured to the horses. "My mate is dead…"

The horses nickered in understanding, and butted her chest. She smiled despite herself. "This baby is ours…I still can't believe that he's dead and been dead for a month…" "It just seems like he's still away," she whispered, gazing at the ground.

"Kel?" a female voice asked.

Kel wheeled around, expecting to see Yuki, but instead Daine stood there, holding a four-year-old Rikash, and six-year-old Sarralyn stood beside her ma. Daine and Numair had been needed at New Hope to help with the animals and powerful spells. Along with them came their two children.

"Hello" Kel murmured, turning back to the horses.

Daine put Rikash down and told Sarra to go and play. Sarra ran off, Rikash running after her and trying to catch up. "Peachblossom's doing well, I see" the wildmage commented.

Kel just nodded.

Daine put a comforting hand on the lady knight's shoulder, "What's wrong?"

Kel felt new tears prick at the back of her mind and faced the older woman. "I can't believe he's gone"

Daine had heard from Alanna that Raoul had lost many men in the unexpected night raid and that Kel was pregnant and soon to be wed to a sergeant in the Third Company. "When I was in Carthak, the emperor Kaddar—he was still prince then-- told me that Numair had been executed and, I suppose you could say, I went mad…I understand these feelings your having right now"

"But Dom's not coming back" Kel insisted.

"I know, but he'll always be in a place where your duties are," Daine explained. "Your heart"

Love, and Marriage.

Kel thanked the wildmage and went to the mess hall for a late lunch, she was surprised at how hungry she had become, with the morning sickness sometimes extending to evenings, and she had hardly been able to keep anything down.

There she met Neal. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine" she replied, picking at the porridge she had.

"About the morning sickness?" Neal prompt.

"Fine" Kel repeated.

"Listen Kel, I know you're upset that Dom's dead and I accept that but you've got duties here at New Hope as do I, and I've acknowledged his death as one of his family, I am a healer and healers' see a lot of death in the infirmaries. You should accept he died and be done with the issue"

"But Neal…" Kel faced her friend, a stony determination in her hazel eyes.

"Yes?" Neal's emerald eyes reflected curiosity.

"I've also got a duty to my heart. And my heart hasn't yet healed" Kel then stood, leaving her food untouched. She looked over her shoulder and added, "Eat your vegetables Meathead"

Life is a battle of good times and evil times. If you balance both, your life takes a rocky road, but if you stick with your duty you'll know, you have fulfilled the duty given to your heart

And that's what Kel was going to do: Let time do its worst, but stay with the responsibility she had deep in her heart.

Love, and Duty.

Always balance both.


End file.
